Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”

Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold

Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*

I didn’t hit him with my car…

I massaged him with my wheels.

I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*

*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.

This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked

I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .

“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression

Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.

Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.

Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.

“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”

Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?

A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.

I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.

*Me at a fitness consult

Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”

*returns tent to Target*

CASHIER: What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent

Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?

ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers

GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee

Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.

You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”

Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message

This is going to be a meme FOREVER:

I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.

Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people

My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”

Them: children are innocent and go to heaven

Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?