How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
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i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
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Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries