Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.

As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.

Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???

I’m never asking anyone out on a date again

Hormones: hey what’s up?

Me: just reading a book.

Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.

Me: wait no—

Hormones: AND CRY.

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up

I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them

I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”

A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened

*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*

“Ooh, that IS risky.”

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.

“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”

Liam Neeson returns in…

TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED

(Summer 2015)

My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.

It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in

*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”

Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”

Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.

*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead

[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry

Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.

I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

Her: baby I’m so wet

Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now

*working out*

this is so much worse than i thought

My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.

“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”