How do you like your Corgi?
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He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Look, when I invited you out for a drink I meant a milkshake with two straws, so don’t make it weird bro, I’m not gay
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal