How do you like your Corgi?
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I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Commits all the murders so I can be most wanted by somebody.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”
And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny