How do you like your Corgi?
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The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
definitely did not do anything wrong
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*