Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?

[on a date with a european]

Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?

Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?

Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.

H:

Me:

H: I think it’s time to take a break…

Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.

H: …from twitter

As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.

BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?

While on a family road trip

My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?

Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking

My Kid: How about at the next stop light?

Me: sure…

Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination

Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close

Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough

I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains

friend: how long has it been

me (looking at watch): 4 hours

Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids

“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now

“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE

9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week

Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months

Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?

Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.

Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win

8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.

I’m sorry what now?!

sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic

what is cheese if not milk persevering

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.

Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?

deleting my mental health to focus on my social media