“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
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Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.