“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
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fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?