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You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.