Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: love your neighbor

Me: aw thanks, yours is also great

If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.

wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust

me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?

Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over

if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up

Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”

Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird

Me: Me? Weird??

Husband: PLEASE

[ Later ]

Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour

Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs

Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option

I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.

Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?

(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)

Me: I have shin splints

“Read that again”

No thanks, it sucked the first time.

A group of toddlers is called a migraine

I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.

Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”

I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway

i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.

if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too

I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”

He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.

4 hours it took me!

*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*

There. That should keep ’em out.

Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.

Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered

EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*

God: *creates mom look*

Angel: Are you mad?

God: No, just disappointed

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.