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Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
What about second breakfast?
Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
I beg you to euthanise me
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
I am, perchance
every. time.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes