How do you milk an almond?
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[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.