“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
You Might Also Like
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.