How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
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The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Big Sex has us all fooled
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me