How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
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If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose