Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise

I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.

**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.

Me:

Friend:

Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….

[someone breaks into the house]

Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings

My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY

I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.

I fell in love with a female electrician.

…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.

Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

*first time in a long time at the dentist*

Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.

Me:

Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.

they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.

Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?

Me: Uranium is OK I guess.

C:

M:

C:

M:

C: I like Metallica.

That’s not even on the periodic table

*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back

Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.

Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.

Me: Forever young!

Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.

Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.

They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!

I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.

Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.

Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.

I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!

me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that

“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”

“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”

Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.

[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?

me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there

I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.