Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑

A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

*flips table*

YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS

My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.

This isn’t going to end well for you.

– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter

Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.

Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol

Pentagon: he’s getting too close

One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.

I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.

And my shoes got wet.

DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work

oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow

Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before

[ first day in retail]

me: can i help you find something

customer: im just window shopping

me: we don’t sell those

I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.

Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.

Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?

Her: awww. Like the day we met?

Him: No, before that.

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

[at the cheesecake factory]

me: I will have the cheesecake

waiter: okay

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready

Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.

Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now

i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit

School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet

*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people

Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)