Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: how much for the seal Dracula

Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.

I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.

[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”

All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.

interviewer: can you type fast?

me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words

My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.

A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away

My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.

Breaking News:

Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.

What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo

my professor scared me for a second

My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.

Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!

A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.

You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.

i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either

Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.

ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur

[First date]

Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?

Him: Water?

Me: No, my personality.

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no