Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”

Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf

Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.

I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.

That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.

If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.

You know….

Squid Pro Quo

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

me: do you serve crabs here?

waiter: yes, we do

my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally

Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.

I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.

*first day as a vegan*

“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”

The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science

[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly

My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.

Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME

Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet

DAMMIT!

Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…

“Nevertheless”

~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie

People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.

My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

Message from the dog groomers

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk

It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.

Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?

My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).

[first date]

Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?

Her:

Me: Yeah, good choice.

[prison]

PRISONER: what’s for breakfast

GUARD: every meal is bread & water

PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby