How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
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When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
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[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Monday?
No. Next question.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”