How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
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*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I will never stop laughing at this
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.