How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
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But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
The new American dream is an alien invasion.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.