How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
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“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?