Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent

Anaesthetist: Count back from 10

Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS

My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate

Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.

I wonder if Mary and Joseph hated putting away the Christmas stuff as much as I do

wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.

[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did

[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here

Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.

Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’

I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst. Transformer. Ever.

best first i’ve ever seen

I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.

[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]

[God creating pufferfish]

How about a terrifying balloon

why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”

Before carbs: Hates everyone

After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat

Gets drunk.

Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.

*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*

Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.

Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and

Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.

neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*

[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate

BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.

LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit

They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.

Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.