How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
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My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.
Placation.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.