Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.

Cop: And yet, here we are…

Go to drunk, you’re bed.

Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.

Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same

Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials

I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.

friend: don’t worry so much

me: omg why what will happen

When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying

Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard

Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.

I’ve named my couch American Idle.

*First day as a fire investigator*

Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down

Woman: Have you ruled out arson?

Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No

Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.

…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.

It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.

The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia

Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.

I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck

The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.

Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’

Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.

First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.

Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab

Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.

Food: Are you sure.

Me: No.

woke up in the middle of the night to write this down

[Arriving in Hell]

*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*