How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
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This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…