“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
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My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
how was your vacation
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded