“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
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Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.