Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.

Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?

Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!

40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.

there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.

When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.

To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.

What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you

Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.

I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.

Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.

CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.

There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.

[Gets out of bed]

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

How to make emails sound livid:

“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”

The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.

OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG

Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella

realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”

Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.

vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash

me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)

wife: what are you doing?

brain: lie.

me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.

Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force

Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.

It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.

I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.