“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
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Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
But that’s none of my business
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
I’m Kodak hut old. So I know a thing or two about humiliation, I had to pick up my own nudes, in person.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT