Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.

Him: So whattayou wanna do?

Her: I dunno

Him: So…You wanna play video games?

Her: No!

Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?

friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back

me: oh wow me too

[meanwhile]

Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7

[Wedding night]

Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this

New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room

Me: Am I? *winks forever*

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.

if the bag is matte the chips are healthy

manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)

LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.

You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.

“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.

buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue

Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.

A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog

My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.

So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners

Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good

Flight attendant alerted us to a “birthday queen” coming down the aisle and asked everyone to clap for her. The woman next to me quietly said “That was weird.”

I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.

we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.

[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]

Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.

satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-

me: wow you’re tall

satan: thanks?

me: how tall are you?

satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?

me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.

Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!

Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!

Yoda: *dies and fades away*

Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.

Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.

My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”

Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.

Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!

Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?

Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.