“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
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If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
The toothpick museum hates to see me and my mini chainsaw coming.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…