How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
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I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Ape together strong
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I hope this email finds you in a well
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon