How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
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Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
The USS B port
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook