Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
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Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Ugh, I am swamped at work today.
*stares at puppies on the Internet for 3 hours
If the cure for AIDS could get you high, we’d figure it out in about a week.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Hideous monsters for sale! Selling cheap! Crazy wild beasts! Won’t last long!
“Honey, stop trying to sell the kids.”
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?