@daemonic3

How do you stop a rhino from charging?

You take away its USB cable.

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@MelvinofYork

Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?

All other inmates (in unison): No.

@Swishergirl24

Ugh, I am swamped at work today.

*stares at puppies on the Internet for 3 hours

@FknVancouver

If the cure for AIDS could get you high, we’d figure it out in about a week.

@BlindChow

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.

@RxitWounds

Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao

*Courtroom erupts in laughter*

Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect

@pleatedjeans

[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE

@Iwriteforcats

Hideous monsters for sale! Selling cheap! Crazy wild beasts! Won’t last long!

“Honey, stop trying to sell the kids.”

@NoticablyBacon

The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?