How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
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If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.