How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
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Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.