Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.

[2 men standing in an empty basement together]

Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”

salesman: you’ll like this car

me: how many dogs fit in it

salesman: how many what

me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before

Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-

me: I’m cold this is boring

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]

Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.

I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious

Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.

*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’

after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.

Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer

me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why

[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?

All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.

Just a bush.

Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.

I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?

Me: No

B: Tell me our company policy

M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober

Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?

Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.

friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?

me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??

friend: it’s andrew garf-

me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……

Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us

Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.

CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.

[Hall of Justice]

BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham

SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet

AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp

[During sex]

ME: Am I making you wet?

HER: Yes

ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying