How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
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I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
They grow up so quick
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Winnipeg!!
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”