How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
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this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Leftovers are for quitters!
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa