Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal

getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony

this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road

Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme

[wife is gone]

me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings

10: did mom say you could?

me: it’s my house too!

10: but did she tell you that you could do that?

me: I can do what I want

10: I’m texting mom

I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.

Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.

Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What

A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.

What, I’m Asian?

*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*

*buys a bonsai tree*

Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.

Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.

Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.

I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.

[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table

*romantically grabs husband’s face*

I will NEVER stop eating your fries.

Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x

My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.

The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”

A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.

Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.