How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
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Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.
Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Which is it, brain?
Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
The sacred texts.
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*