Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?

Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.

Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*

I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank

Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.

Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.

One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.

The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.

[santa gently waking me] you live like this?

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question

If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.

“Today is chest and leg day!”

-me, ordering at KFC

i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert

Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.

lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep

Reminder:

Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit

Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.

Me: ok

*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*

Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.

Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…

Thank you for your time.

Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious

shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period

CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?

NSA: “U2’s New Album”

I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.