How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
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I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
family: we’re having ground turkey this year
me: okay but how do you know that turkey couldn’t fly
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.