How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
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I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
asking santa clause for nudes
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.