How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
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You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
shakira sharkira
marvel comics have peaked
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
every college guy’s fridge
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite