Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway

My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose

Me:

Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?

ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it

ME: want to see me do a head stand

BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here

If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind

Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.

I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.

Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.

*bursts into starbucks*

Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET

Barista: yeah over there

Me: oh thank god

*plugs in a mechanical bull*

welp

School district says no pajamas for online classes

What are you gonna do, send them home?

TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them

A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.

Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.

every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion

“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself

FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”

*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*

“Ooh, that IS risky.”

Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?

Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.

Being a parent:

Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….

Hahahahahahahaah.

stages of eating a banana:

– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now

What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….

*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope

Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.

sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck

12: This apple tastes funny.

Me: That’s because it’s a peach.

Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.

Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.

This is me 🤣🤣

shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie