Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.

From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin

When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.

I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend

So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?

Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶

Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.

big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing

financial freedom is alive and well

after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host

Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.

I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.

Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!

Bird 2: It’s incredible!!

Bird: imma stand in the road

Bird 2: Me too

If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.

I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time

The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.

I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.

If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing

Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.

I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.

Jack: hello, beans

Beans: hello, Jack

-Jack and the beans talk

“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.

Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?

Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.

My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.

Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me

Her: which is?

Me: exactly

[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?

In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.

Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate

Friend: Hey check out this cool song

Me: Haha cool maybe

We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.

The cat: Bet

She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.

Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?

*holds up 6 fingers* This many