“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
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Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
*checks real estate listings on other planets*