“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
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My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat