“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
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them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
that wasn’t the question
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
But is it really??
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.