Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .

Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”

MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit

Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this

The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.

The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer

Mrs The Godfather: WHAT

me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in

her: it says volvo on it

When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers

Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?

CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.

“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths

I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.

[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.

*slams table

WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG

If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.

I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.

When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”

How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.

*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives