How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
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What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race