How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
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If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
when mom throws a party…
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run