How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
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We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign