Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?

My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.

you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.

roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep

me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen

wife: I have some in my purse

me: naaaaahhhh

SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE

draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.

a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.

Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.

Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.

me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life

Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are

My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol

just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times

“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?

[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police

“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”

Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”

[first date at restaurant]

Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.

Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement

Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences