How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
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Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Wise advice
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet