Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll

I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.

Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

What a website

Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!

FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.

adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that

microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update

No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.

Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0

Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971

Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison

The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?

Do you just call them and say you can’t come

If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress

Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?

If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.

what the

[being robbed]

Me: careful.. I’m ARMED

*whips out bible

Robber: lol

*pulls gun out of bible

R: oh

*pulls smaller bible out of gun

[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS

Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]

My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?

Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.

Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible

7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*

Me My dog

HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING