How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
You Might Also Like
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am
Bruh PLEASE
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
