How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
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[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.