How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
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*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup