How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
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If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
Windows
i like to flex on them by shrugging
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Every damn time
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
no their not
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.