Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I grilled a chicken for two hours.

It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…

Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist

Anyway, thought of you

My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.

whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!

“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”

wow ok you did not age well

These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House

Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—

Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets

Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.

I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand

Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing

I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.

My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.

Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth

Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth

Bishop: no

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.

I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.

Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.

Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.

Me: My truck.

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.

Harry Potter: A Shortened Version

Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.

Everyone else: Lol, no.

Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…

I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people

Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.

Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom

Snape: omg same

If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.

How I know this is unimportant.

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?

I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.

Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.

Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?

3yo: No.

Hubs: Is that a new one?

3yo: Yes.

Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?

3yo: …Yes.

Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.

Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”

[god, creating ducks]

Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know

The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer

Mrs The Godfather: WHAT