How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
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People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
I need to know what happened here in 1620.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend