How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
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If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
My husband has put a couple of watches on eBay. Which has made me really happy as I can now ask how many people are watching his watches several times a day.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science