Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.

It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.

I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.

I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.

Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.

One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget

Just experienced LA to its fullest.

A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”

I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.

Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.

That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.

Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.

“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”

“No whey!”

By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.

idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels

For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.

A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.

Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder

Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what

My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”

You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.

The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.

me: you’re killing it

my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.

I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?