Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *hiding from kidnapper*

kidnapper: *sneezes*

me: BLESS YOU!

Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.

The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.

“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?

I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.

Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”

Don’t you want this to be easier for you?

-Gangster – level 3

day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea

I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.

My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.

*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*

Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!

*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*

Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.

Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t

I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.

Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.

911: whats the emergency?

∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?

Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.

My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete

*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin

If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.

Everyone has a nickname.

If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.

Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.

The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.

I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.

Never mind, someone else just got on.

Her: My God…yours is huge!

Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.

*slow wink*