Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away

That’s motherhood summed up for you

EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed

TRUMP: What op-ed?

EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?

You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*

Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.

“This is all water! Now that was misleading”

-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.

Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.

McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”

If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste

11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”

The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.

remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?

Me: come on man it‘s the weekend

An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.

me: but “greetings” is a greeting

jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes

Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine

A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.

How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist

*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama

I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”

Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.

There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.

Most of the time.

Once in a while.

Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.

I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet

“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”

My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.