Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.

If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.

@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾

Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.

In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.

Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000

Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that

worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol

Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?

Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.

interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer

spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy

It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.

My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.

rest in peas

“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”

Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.

HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern

Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.

The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.

“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello

Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!

And that is how marriage works.

Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul

Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??

she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”

uh you pretty much described my fantasy

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.

New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need

Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this

I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.

Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.

All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.

‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.

Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?

Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)