How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
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I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
They say women only use 10% of their anger
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.