Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.

My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.

Should I be alarmed?

This. Is. Not. A. Drill.

[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities

Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*

I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.

If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.

Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.

I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.

Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no

waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good

Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?

Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old

-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid

Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.

having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse

Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.

Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.

ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!

JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.

ME: Again, with the judging.

Chess in Australia must be hard.

“Check, mate”

“Checkmate?”

“What?”

“Huh?”

You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense

Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason

Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight

Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be

Me: in a duck costume

Kurt Cobain: not like that

coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids

me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose

Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy

Wife: You’re supposed to cook it

Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.

sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number