Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you

*takes everything personally

Everyone: hey, give me that back!

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.

The “research” scene in every horror movie

“Let me make this very clear…”

– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant

I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White

I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.

Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out

Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.

My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.

8am: plain egg whites

1pm: greek yogurt

6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies

12am: every damn snack on earth

Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-

[semi-truck drives by]

Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market

Realtor: ok, where is it?

Little Old Lady: um, right here

Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe

Little Old Lady: it’s my home

Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?

Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one

skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute

me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me

Superman’s Google searches:

“Strongest hero”

“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”

“Fastest hero”

“Fastest hero. Not Flash”

“Phone booth for sale”

I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans

Take 9 seconds. Be this happy

When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.

doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside

Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.

[comedy club]

Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!

Other worms: *silence*

Early bird: *cracking up*

In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder

I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.

Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.

ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*

My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.