how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
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Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of