Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.

[LATER]

Husband: Where’d my stick go?

[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it

[petting zoo]

ME: *still petting the penguin*

DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.

Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.

3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.

I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly

Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?

Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.

Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?

I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.

Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”

Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?

I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.

Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?

‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.

Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.

me: can i buy u a drink

girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot

me:

girl:

me: can u buy me a drink

[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON

my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .

there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body

My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains

*Showing me a picture of your baby*

Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?

Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?

…and send

the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.

what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.

BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.

the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .

Doctor: you look awful

Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!

Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?

[the clock strikes half past two]

dentist: my time has come

one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score