Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.

I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff

mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth

people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:

The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.

Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.

The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.

If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.

My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married

A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”

Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷‍♂️😆🤷‍♂️😆

My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse

Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning

—my thighs lying about the friction this summer

uh oh

[first date]

ME: so where are you from?

HER: I’m Finnish

ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]

HER: wtf?

[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body

paddle faster i hear baby shark

i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol

Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*

A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.

my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise

Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people

My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.

Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.